being qaali

You always think that it’s not gonna be you. I mean of course – you’re observant, you don’t attract bad apples, you’re grounded in who you are. You’re confident and have standards. You always think it’s not gonna be you, until one night you sit down and it’s weighing heavy on you and you begin to feel that your cheeks are wet, but we don’t cry. So in the words of the great Solange Knowles you [insert all you did to forget here] it away.

You always think that it’s not gonna be you, but sometimes it might be and you can’t beat yourself up about it. You see, there are people in this world whose emotions are tangled and you get caught in their mix. They are going through life and that’s okay, just don’t make me believe in unicorns when you’re more into ghosting. It truly baffles me that we live in a world where it seems the only prerequisite that people approach anyone with when it comes to a relationship is that they are single…but what’s your net worth though? (I joke I joke) No-one looks themselves in the mirror and asks “I want x, y and z but what do I bring to the table? Am I ready for what I’m asking for?”

“The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” – Bob Marley

What does one do when the ‘biggest coward of a man’ also happens to be someone you care for unconditionally? Before the drowning in feels, before the 4am conversations about futures… when you were both just two friends that worked to maintain a bond. I never thought it would be him but lesson number 1, when someone tells you ‘I don’t deserve you’, believe them. Number 2, if someone wants to be with you, oh trust they will be. Number 3…forget it… why do we always want to prove people wrong when they’ve been performing ‘show and tell’ of who they truly are?

It’s difficult when there is history, a shared past of so many years. You sometimes find yourself making excuses for someone’s unacceptable behaviours because you know you thought you knew them better than most. I was having a conversation with a friend and she said that she “used to give people passes to abuse and mistreat [her] out of empathy then [she] realised it’s not normal and pain doesn’t make you do that. Ego does.” CAN I GET AN AMEN!? There are some people who will want nothing more than for you to carry all the emotional labour and make them feel real cosy and accommodated and just give you emptiness in return.

I’ve spent a long time avoiding my own violated emotions by excusing others’ behaviour, not only in this situation but in life period. I think a lot of people run from the real because they aren’t ready to face the truth, a lot of the time about themselves. My truth? I’m still working that one out, one layer at a time but one truth that I do know for sure – someone else’s inability to process and communicate their feelings is none of my responsibility. I can be understanding and empathetic, but don’t think you’re gonna come in and out of my life as is convenient to you.

We’re so good at forgiving other people for their shortcomings but we rarely show ourselves that same mercy. We don’t separate who we are from the mistakes we make. Even as I write this and I consciously KNOW that I did nothing wrong, there’s still this thin fog of embarrassment that weighs across my heart and I am upset that as smart as I am, I couldn’t see this. But here’s the thing, I usually say forgiving people is more about your own peace of mind than doing them a favour. I swallowed the hurt until it distended my belly and became poison to my light, alas it is time for me to self-audit, reflect and keep it moving.

Guilt, regret and reliving mistakes is toxic. Being able to accept, learn and move forward is the motive. The negative feelings stayed as long as I hadn’t accepted the reality, the truth of it all. Once I accepted that, I felt a lot lighter and I remembered exactly who I was, am and will forever be – no-one will ever change that.

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.  – Quran 2:216

Our experiences are the layers to who we are so why shouldn’t we embrace them. Not just in affairs of the heart but in all the obstacles in our life. Every step in our lives teaches us something unique that we will carry forward to our next chapter. They’re like little cheat codes to life but only if we’re looking at the silver lining of it all. You will stumble, you will fall and cry but where there is water there is life, and you’re still living. Accept where you are to open doors to where you are meant to be.